I'm surfing the internet again for Masters programs in other countries. Currently, one of my prospects is MA International Journalism in Cardiff University in Wales. They have a bursary for 2,000 pounds for an entire year in England. That's beautiful. The Journalism programs in UK are inernational. The ones in the US (Columbia, Yale, Brown, etc) are all hyped up. Nevertheless, they're impressive education.

I have to start planning the next few years. I'm eighteen and 1.5 years away from graduating. I have to do something and pad my resume before that time. If I want to get into a good Masters school, I have to climb to that Cum Laude, come high and low.

It's ironic. I can't even buy a second-hand car, a laptp, much less a house. And I'm here trying to see if there's a chance my childhood dream can come true.

If it's all about chances, I don't run out of it. I don't. I'm not even gonna talk about possibilities, because it's never a question. I always thought I can achieve anything if I just put my heart on it.

And there's the problem. Very seldom do I understand the full gravity of anything. Unless a professor will humiliate me in front of a class, or I'll feel out-of-place with my peers, or people will act like I'm the dumbest piece of cockshit in the university. that's the only time I spring into action.

That's the bad part. I have to write it down so I can let it go and move on.

The good part is I have another source of motivation. I find that I've always been excited with discovering and experiencing things for myself. It scares the shit out of me, but ultimately, it thrills me. In a way that nothing else does. Of course, these slef-discovery trips are always done in minimal guidance/predictability. A plan. But nevertheless. They are personal journeys. I'm not discounting the role of my people. that's not even contestable. I share my journey with them. As with God.

There are the things that I keep between me and my Maker.

I wanted to study in another country since I was a little girl. Thinking of travelling makes my heart skip. I used to be afrais of commuting and getting lost. I still am, hence the pre-existing sense of security. But I find that I am secure with the thought of Me and God.

I can't be secure with the thought that working for CNN is not possible if I don't have God.

With taking my MA in the few years after I graduate before I turn 25, I I would have to have at least 8,000 puonds. I don't know how I'd do it. But thinking of the future never got me wrong. I get scared of it so sometimes, but with the scaredy-catness is an excitement, an enthusiasm that there is something thrilling tomorrow.

It's hard to keep it up sometimes. But most times I just have to grin and bear it. It's amazing how much smiling/contracting your cheek muscles can make you happy. A few deep breaths and sighs, a heartfelt smile here and there and things will be better. There are opportunities, there are ways. all I need to do today is be inspired. And get good grades. And for the most part, the future can take care of itself.

I want to go to YGLC or the Young Global Leader's Camp on January. I don't friggin care if it falls on a school day. It would be an life-changing experience, a good resume padder, a great avenue for creating connections, of broadening horizons, of connecting with an English University that may take me on it's Master's program, yada yada yada. I don't want to glorify it too much. I'm not even in yet. I don't have a plan yet. How is the competition? Fuck the competition. I'll try my hand on this.

There's the National Debate Championship on October. It is partly my fault. I got all excited. I got too delusional with travel plans. I'm not even done with schoolwork. There's still too much work to be done, that can be done. Somehow it becomes too hard to remember. But. Fuck it all. Bring it on. Academic Excellence my ass. Kiss my brown muddy pie feet. Bring it on.

It's not hard. Okay maybe it is. But I know hard. I've gone through hard and hardest and back, and trust me, I can handle more. Bring it on.

Cum Laude. You are hard. But there are harder things. And you are just a large boulder in the rocky shores of the ocean. An Ocean that includes CNN and studying in a first-world country and being the best CNN anchor and making my country proud. Making God proud.

Cum Laude. You're not the end of things. 2 more debates? Come on, I can still learn. 2 more adjes? I can do 20 more, man. Bring it on.

I have to look further than tomorrow, and the next script. There's so much to dream about, so many things to become, too many exciting things to learn about. The EU, Lebanon, Gaza, Sports, Golf, etc. The World is Truly Waiting. I'm 18. I'm jsut barely starting.

People like Joan and Arianne and all the other people who had always doubted my worth can go to hell ten thousand times. You're old. You're nothing. They say I'm all image. MY IMAGE CAN GO A LONG WAY, FUCK YOU. I'm not ampaw. I'm just not insecure. I'm 18. I'm not 21, and unlike you, I'm not running after my youth.

When was the last time you did something for the first time?
Keep Discovering.

Bring it on.